ok its official, i have insomnia. ah.not sleeping literally makes you want to kill yourself. what's worse is i live in a studio apartment, down town, (where all the loud ass drunkin peopl are at like four in the morning, even thought the bars supposedly close at 2). Furthermore, in this studio apartment is my boy friend pleasantly sleeping as i write this. So, im like tip toeing around trying to make the least amount of nosi possible, but of course we all know this really means i'm just like banging into shit, since i am using a computer screen light to navigate around the room. Oh, and my wireless internet isnt working, and the ethernet chord is conveniently located above my sleeping boyfriend's head. I wish someone could see me right now, just in the most awkwasrd position, seeing as the chord only reaches like two feet when someone is sleeping on it.
I think it's funny i write , or i guess i should say type, all this shit down. It really is just so my mind isnt overloaded with random thoughts. I just need to get something out of me, so i just write. And what usually ends up coming out is some sort of bitching. Although, I really am just laughing at how stupid my situations are. ok done. Now, i must attend to some more last minute reading for my qualitative research class. fun.

Fucking Tired

God, it is fucking early. For me anyways, but for some reason, i couldnt sleep. must have something to do with the fact that i have so much work to do. For some random reason, I woke up at like 5:45am, and I've just been thinking and tossing about what I havent done yet, and what I have to do. I find myself thinking of dumb shit, like what if's and what i'll wear. Why can't I just turn this brain off for like two hours of sleep. I mean, it's not like I can do too much at 7:00am, as far as the work I have to do. All I can do is sit hear and bitch. ok i'm done. I think.

sick and tired

I am feeling a bit down. Physically, i havent felt well for like two days. today i am starting to feel somewhat normal. but the hotness still rushes through my body like a wave. it comes and goes. i hate being sick! uhh....my mind is so blase-blah. i have so much interviewing and transcribing to do it's ridiculous. uh. two for one class, and two more for another. I dont even know who i'm going to interview. I need someone in a token status position in PR. Where the fuck am i going to find that in like four days. two of which are the weekend days. And then, i need two Japanese people to interview. Untill, all this is over with, i am going to go crazy. and then i gotta makeup a shitload of work for an incomplete i took last spring. someone pull the fucking trigger, please.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

another day of bullshit and being misunderstood. seems to be the story of my life. this relationship is spiraling out of control, with drugs and perceptions and everything that goes along with it. i knew this would happen ever since i touched that shit in may my life has been fucked. fucked fucked fucked. fuck that. i need to fucking graduate and be with people who actually have shit they care about or atleast care about themselves. i cant stand this life anymore. i just want to go back and fix it, but i cant i never will be able to. never. i just need to do everything basically right. its so hard to be good. to do what i know i am supposed to be doing, i hate it. i hate it. that fucking thing i will not name, sprung my addict brain back into geaar creating more fuckups more drama more hurt and pain and disappointment and lies and fuck everything bad. you would thiunk after all this time i would fucking learn something clearly i am incapable. and i sure know how to pick guys ha. ones that just help me endure this meaningless addicts life that is fucking everything up. what the fucki is wrong with me and the people who aactually give a shit about me i blow off. its unreal what a piece of shit i have become. its sad a beautiful disaster is truly what i am. i could have been so much. i could have had it alll and now i have nothing. fuck fuck. people that r 22 shouldnt feel like this. already. life really is a drag. does it ever get better i need something good to happen and soon i hate that i have gotten myself so caught up and dependant on something that is nt worth it. i just want to go home and stay in my room and hide forever.. and just disapear into nothing. and slowly get my life back together. salvage what little dignity i have left. fuck.

true romance

for once i will write a positve blog. im so happy and crazy in love so i could never be bitter right now. it is amazing to feel like myself again. i can be who i am the good and more importantly the bad. poetic and beautiful is my love for my baby michael j. that doesnt do it justice, but i love you baby and i love your beautiful soul..were connected in everyway. so thank you lord.

oh by the way Karen-0, there is such a thing as MODERN ROMANCE.

better to love and lost, than never love at all.

i can see you.
but is it true?
i want to believe you.
who i trust tells me to just be through.
i know it's true.
why cant i believe it?
i dont want to.
i know you bring me down.
i like it on your level, though.
there i can be me.
i dont have to think
just be.
i escape reality.
but what's real
is true.
truth is more happiness
than this fake love.
ecstasy, euphoria isnt
the equation.

you are a misfortune.
adversity follows you, or the other way around.
but i still care.
i want to show you,
you are amazing.
i can see it, even if no one else does.
but you wont be all you can,
not even a fourth.
i wish you knew, you dont have to take the easy way out.
but i cant change you.
youll probably just change me.
we'll part and go our intrinsic ways.
i have to be what i am, or what i can.
but you are amazing, i wasnt lying.

ahh breakups

you got to love spending every year with someone different and than breaking up and doing it all over again. god, does this hopeless cycle ever end. This time was pretty bad though. ever wonder how you could be so blinded and jaded due solely to a significant other, if you will. It's amazing how some one else can consume your self-control, and discipline, and make you even complacent in this so-called relationship. you really get a reality check once you abrubtly end this situation, a year later, after surrounding yourself only with this person of your "dreams."


what is ReAliTy?
What is the TRUTh?
Who can you Trust?
What is TRUE Love? these questions are all normal to think after ending such an involved relationship. so im not too worried. just sick of making the same mistakes. and its been two weeks anyways. so, im not too bothered, more reflecting and coming to the same realizations i have come to each year previous. however, this time the answer came immeadiately, so i guess i must be better at recognizing patterns and accepting the situation for what it is, and not dwelling on petty bullshit. oh well just wanted to vent, because i havent even let myself reflect on the matter, seeing as i was trying to get through the hardest week as easy as possible. ok im done.

un vita un amore. ha what a joke.

i love fall.

well seeing as i havent written anything for like 6 months and i cant sleep,i will write something on this lame ass website, that i for some reason love. anyways, well it's fall finally, and it is cold as shit. i hate how georgia doesnt really have in between seasons, it is eighty degrees one day, and the next it's like forty. oh well i am ready for fall anyways. it is beauiful outside, this time of year, right before halloween, makes me feel lucky to be alive and makes me appreciate how beautiful even athens, ga can be.

i love this time of year, because i dont mind driving, i usually hate it, in my car. i actually look for excuses to ride in my car. there is nothing better than driving fast with all the windows down listening to good music in such amazing weather and beautiful surroundings.

fall always reminds me of being in love for some reason, and it always reminds me of what i did last fall, and then the fall before that. either who i used to spend all my time with during previous falls or just how much i have grown since this time last year. probably not so drastic in that it's life altering or mindblowing, just that i can see that all changes that have occurred and how i have learned so much from each mistake i have made along the way.

which brings me to a new point. i wish that i didnt have to make so many mistakes just to learn these so-called "life lessons." oh well, you live u learn.

well ok this was a pretty boring update, but i just thought i would compliment the beautiful weather weve been having.